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• When personal life and work collide

There’s an old saying, “Never drink at work, and never talk about work when you’re drinking.” Like most of those old sayings, it’s really smart and makes sense and sets virtually impossible standards to live up to. I mean, the first part is easy enough to do, but the second part never quite works out. If you’re out with people you work with, there’s almost no avoiding it. Hell, even if you’re out with people you don’t work with, the conversation ends up getting there one way or the other. I think it’s getting harder and harder for people to differentiate their jobs from their lives. It’s a lot for a fella to worry about, especially one particular part of it: the swearing.

The thing is, at work I’m around professional, well-spoken, caring people who have a job to do, so I try to act accordingly. When I’m not at work, I’m around … well, outside of work, I hang around the kind of people who would be friends with a man such as myself. It’s not an ideal situation when non-work Coulter bleeds over into work Coulter and vice-versa. When those two worlds collide, there’s always a chance bad things can happen. I’m not especially good at thinking before I speak.

It’s nobody’s fault really. Actually, that’s not true; it’s completely my fault, but anyway … it’s just that the two worlds are so strangely different that I’m surprised they coexist as well as they do. It’s not even apples and oranges; it’s more like pumpkins and cranberries.

For example, if I’m at work and someone sees an ugly dog jump over a fence and run in a circle, they will say something such as, “The non-attractive dog jumped over the fence. He may be insane.” That’s really all you need to know. It’s succinct, descriptive enough and non-offensive.

If I’m not at work, and a friend sees the same dog jump over the same fence in the same way, the sentence will end up something along the lines of this: “Holy freaking Christ, did you see that ugly-assed dog jump over that fucking fence? That son of a bitch is crazy.” As you can see, both sentences basically said the same thing. It’s just that one was more colorful, somewhat offensive and very non-work. Actually, I vastly prefer the second version, but I can also understand how it’s inappropriate to have a bunch of co-workers running around talking like sailors. Now that I think about it, sailors probably don’t even speak that way when they’re at work.

I just have to remember where I’m at before I begin talking. This is something I’ve often thought about, the difference in language between those two worlds, but maybe I shouldn’t worry quite so much. In a recent study I came across, researchers found that regular swearing at work can boost team spirit, help with relationships and allow people to express their feelings better. Man, I had no idea I was such a wonderful employee. Anyway, don’t get too excited. Before we all run off and make our work areas sound like a Quentin Tarantino soundstage, we should probably take a closer look.

I can see the thinking to an extent. Swearing does sort of bring folks closer together and adds a certain amount of familiarity to a situation. Most people don’t just begin swearing in front of perfect strangers. We usually only swear when we are comfortable around someone else. Thus, when a group of workers swear with each other, they begin to feel more comfortable in their group and will work better together. By the way, don’t try to follow my logic on that one, just play along.

It’s just that I’ve never seen a war movie where someone politely asks for another mortar shell. There’s a certain closeness and familiarity in battle that I could see translating well into the work place. There’s a job to do, let’s not pussy-foot around and be nice. Let’s get comfortable with each other and get our work done as soon as possible. We’re a team goddamnit, let’s act like one. See, I’m already in a mood to go to work after that last sentence.

Like all good things, however, cussing a blue streak also has a point of diminishing returns. Swearing in front of the higher-ups is not a swell idea in most cases. “Thanks for the fucking promotion, Bob. I can really use the extra money, and I feel this is the perfect company for me to thrive in … even if you are one of the simplest rat bastards I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” See, you’re still supposed to treat the boss like a boss, whether they happen to be a simple rat bastard or not. Customers are pretty much the same way. “We put a new muffler on your car, you douche bag. Have a nice day,” is probably not the best way to build customer loyalty.

Nope, the key to swearing at work is to know the proper time and place. Personally, I still sometimes mess up in the practice of it, but I feel like I at least understand the guidelines. It seems like our lives are becoming our jobs and our jobs are becoming our lives these days, so I really understand how bits of one get mixed up with bits of the other. It still pisses me off either way.