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• What’s in a Name?

Names are a funny thing. I can look at some folks whose name I know and be unable to imagine them with any other name. I’m not sure if they just grew into the name they were given at birth or if I’m just unimaginative in that regard, but, either way, the name just seems to fit perfectly. I feel the same way about horses. Watch any old Western. The sidekick usually has a horse named Old Paint or Pokey who is slow as molasses. The hero will have a horse named Lightning or Rocket that is really fast. With people and horses, the names just seem pretty obvious. Dogs are a completely different animal.

I recently came across a list of the most popular dog names, and it really wasn’t what I expected. I should point out that I really enjoy dog names that are funny. Sometimes it can be funny because it’s the opposite of what you think. For example, a Great Dane whose name is Tiny is really funny to me. It could also be a tiny little Boston terrier whose name is Killer, and it’s funny in the same way. It’s also pretty funny if the dog’s name has something to do with a dog such as if you named it Bob Barker or DJ McLickerton. Sure, it might give the dog some sort of complex down the road, but the humor more than makes up for the dog’s trauma.

Even traditional names seem pretty cool to me such as Spot, Rover and Bingo. When I was growing up, most of our hunting dogs’ names had to be one syllable. My dad thought this made it easier for the dog to recognize its name, and it’s much quicker to say. Also if you’re standing in a field with a shotgun, it’s much more manly to yell, “Hey, Duke,” as opposed to, “Hey, get your ass over here, Irving Pantsalot.” I usually got to make up the names for the family dogs, a list that includes Butterball, Blossom, Snowball, Nicky, Chuckie and Bill. Let’s face it, these are not exactly the kinds of names you’re looking for in a manly kind of hunting dog.

The most popular dog names now are far worse than anyone in my family could have ever came up with. The top male names are Max, Buddy, Rocky, Bailey, Jake, Charlie, Jack, Cody, Toby and Buster. Some of those seem fine to me such as Buddy, Rocky and Buster. I could see a dog acting like any of those names. The rest seem a little ... oh, what’s the word ... um, let’s just go with prissy.

It’s important to remember it’s a dog, not a child, and it should be named accordingly. If you’re being ironic or something, I suppose it’s okay, but I get the impression most people really aren’t. When placing a name with a dog, it’s a good idea to be aware of the fact that the animal will spend a large portion of its time licking its genitals, chewing up your shoes and helplessly trying to communicate with you. It’s probably best not to personify this sort of behavior any more than you have to. The dog is there for your enjoyment, so it might be best to give it a name that’s amusing rather than one that would be appropriate for a soap opera character.

I’ve always thought of dogs as sort of androgynous, but apparently they aren’t because there was also a list of the most popular female names: Bella, Molly, Lucy, Maggie, Daisy, Sophie, Sadie, Chloe, Bailey and Lola. See, once again, most of the names seem a little too human for my liking. Geez Louise, my friends who’ve recently had children have already used at least 50 percent of the dog names on their children. Granted, a dog is probably better behaved than their offspring, but still.

I just think it’s nice if we don’t get our dog names and our human names all messed together. Most folks wouldn’t name their child Spike or Rover, so we shouldn’t be naming our dogs Gerald and Jennifer. Actually, now that I think about it, with some of the dumbass names we’re giving our offspring these days, Rover and Spike might sort of be an improvement. Last names are becoming first names, three names can be mixed together to become a brand new name and more than a few children are named after some sort of consumer good the parents happen to be fond of. The animals may end up with more dignity in adulthood than most of their owners. If dogs named us, we’d all probably just be called Alpo.

In the end, it probably doesn’t matter all that much what you name a dog. Like a person, its name will eventually begin to fit its persona. The dog will also strangely begin to look like the other members of the family. It just wants to be part of the team. You could call it Satan, and it would still smile at you each time you said it. The dog doesn’t really understand words the same way we do, and its name is just another noise it responds to. It will grow to like its name no matter what it is. A dog can be happy with any name you give it. The real question is whether or not you can.