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Doin' It Well
The pressure to procreate
Grandbabies, Please!
4:00 am Mar 13 - by Kim Rice – Buzz writer, and Ross Wantland – Buzz writer
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(Tre Tomaszewski, Buzz illustrator)
It seems like throughout our lives, those around us, especially our parents and other family members, tell us exactly when we can and cannot have sex. For example, most people receive a message that sex before marriage is wrong, teenage pregnancy is to be avoided and, at the very least, intercourse should be delayed for as long as possible. On the other hand, once people get married (at least straight folks), the pressure to have sex increases. But instead of explicitly telling couples to have sex, it is usually referred to in code: “I want grandbabies!”
Unfortunately (or perhaps not), lesbian and gay couples may dodge some of this commentary. Parents and family members of lesbian and gay couples rarely ask when the babies will be coming or pressure them to carry on the family name. The assumption, instead, is that same-sex couples would not want to have children.
Baby-making Bullies?
Parents who may have never openly talked to their children about sex can suddenly put pressure on their children to have sex like bunnies, all in the name of reproduction. Suddenly, a very private aspect of our lives seems appropriate for open, public discussion. Parents (and other guilty parties) often have one-track minds (babies), and don’t always consider other important aspects of their children’s personal relationship, such as intimacy, connection, financial considerations, career factors, housing and other issues that may affect their decision to try to conceive.
We’ve witnessed first hand many instances of family members suggesting that it’s the “right time” for a couple to produce a baby. And it’s not just family members who are guilty. Sometimes friends ask others, “When will it be your turn?” or “Are you working on number two?” From questions like “When will we be giving you a baby shower?” to the vague “I want one of those!” to the explicit “It’s been three years, what are you waiting for?” it’s amazing how — via a discussion of reproduction — a couple’s sex life is fair game for many to inquire about and give input.
As we mentioned in our July 5, 2007, column that discussed sex during pregnancy, people don’t seem to realize that asking these questions or making comments at work, in the supermarket or at a party might just be uncomfortable to the receiver. Not everyone wants to welcome others “into their bedroom” to discuss the very private topic of baby making.
Is it here yet?
At the same time, comments that ask when the babies are coming, or put pressure on couples to reproduce also ignore the fact that a couple may have been trying for some time to get pregnant but have been unsuccessful. These couples may be struggling with the emotions of trying to get pregnant and the effects this may have on their relationship. They certainly don’t need to answer questions from the peanut gallery about their every last attempt.
Reproduction Retorts
When we think about it, it might be fun to turn the tables on those who butt into the sex lives of their friends or family members. In this vein, we’ve come up with some comebacks folks might be able to use when asked personal and often inappropriate questions about their sex life.
“When you ask for babies, it puts a lot of pressure on my sex life with your son/daughter, which has been affecting our ability to actually enjoy sex. And if we don’t want to have sex, we’ll be less likely to have babies!”
“Ug, it seems like all we’re doing these days is either having sex, thinking about having sex or planning when the next time we’ll have sex is. It’s fun, exciting and sometimes exhausting, but we’ll keep you posted!”
“Oh man, the sex we had last night was amazing; we’ll see!”
‘We actually haven’t had sex in a while because we’ve been pretty busy and stressed out. How’s your sex life?"
“Wow, I wasn’t prepared to talk about my sex life at this party, but others can share about theirs if they’d wish.”
“I don’t think talking about sex is appropriate dinner-time conversation.”
“Our sex life isn’t focused on making a baby right now, but we’d be happy to talk about other aspects of it if you’d like to hear about that.”
We’re not convinced these tactics will actually work to stop the intrusive behavior of others, and it might give them an unwanted invitation to be more intrusive following up two weeks later to inquire about the results of a pregnancy test. But, a more direct approach of telling someone that you’re uncomfortable when they make comments about baby making, and kindly asking them to stop, may be a more effective solution.
Don’t You Want a Baby?
We’re not saying that the desire for babies to be around, for individuals to become parents, or to become grandparents is bad; It’s perfectly normal. However, it does put a lot of pressure on couples. Keep in mind that you probably won’t know the exact circumstances of any given couple, even if they are your best friends or family. They may have experienced miscarriages. They may be struggling with something in their relationship at the moment. They may have been trying to get pregnant for a while but have been unsuccessful. Couples have their own pressures; they don’t need us demanding they reproduce.
Please stay tuned to Doin’ It Well next week as we toot our own horn!
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are professionals in the fields of sexuality and sexual violence prevention. Email them your topic ideas! buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com.
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