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• In or out

When did you “come out” as straight? Do you think it may just be a phase? What do you think made you straight? These questions sound ridiculous; in our society, being straight is the acceptable and “normal” sexual orientation. So “normal” that straight folks don’t have to “come out”; it’s assumed. But for lesbian, gay or bisexual people in our society, the process of “coming out” may not be so easy.

“Coming out” is a complex process where LGB people have to make repeated choices about if, when and with whom to share their sexual orientation. Coming out isn’t absolute; some people choose to remain “closeted” entirely with certain people (being out to friends but not family) or within certain circumstances (work). A person who is “in the closet” always or often hides the fact that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered. Because coming out is something that we may not always understand, this week, Doin’ It Well decided to explore the closet — being in it and coming out. Because sexual orientation is different than gender identity, we are focusing on people who are LGB.

Exploring the Closet

Because people who grow up lesbian, gay or bisexual usually cannot express their same sex attractions, feelings and fantasies, their LGB identity does not always become part of their public persona. Sometimes LGB folks keep these feelings and attractions so far out of their awareness that they may be unable to fully realize or acknowledge them, meaning they are unable to come out, even to themselves.

Many people, LGB and straight alike often have their own opinions about how someone should come out. Deciding to open the closet door or keep it closed is an individual decision. It is unique to each person, and each person experiences coming out in his or her own way with no, little or a lot of difficulty. People may spend years struggling with their sexual identity, remaining in the closet for a long time.

Generally speaking, there are two main steps involved in coming out: coming out to oneself and then coming out to others. The first step may be easy for some (“I’ve always known I was a lesbian”) and more challenging or even impossible to others (“I may be attracted to members of my sex, but I am not, cannot be gay”).

If a person is able to overcome the messages and pressures of their environment, they may come out to themselves, acknowledging and accepting that they are LGB. But sometimes, the messages that say being gay, lesbian or bisexual is “bad” are so powerful that LGB folks may avoid any feelings they may have, keeping them out of their awareness. It may feel like being anything other than straight is not an option.

Staying IN

Just as there are reasons for coming out, there are often reasons and even benefits of staying in the closet. How, when and where people choose to be out varies by their individual circumstances. While it can be costly emotionally, it can have its benefits, too. By remaining closeted, a person may preserve a relationship that may end if they decide to come out. Also, because being LGB gets different attention than being straight, they may feel like being closeted will help them be seen as who they are versus someone’s “gay friend.” In effect, they may be physically, emotionally or financially safer in the closet, depending on the circumstances. We are not advocating that folks don’t come out, but we do recognize the risks involved with that process.

Coming OUT

Just as there are reasons for remaining closeted, there are also many reasons to understand our sexual orientation and come out. Coming out recognizes that our sexuality is an important part of our identity and that by coming out, we have the chance to be recognized for our complete selves, not just the “acceptable” portions.

Coming out is a personal choice. But sometimes we feel that LGB folks should come out to us as if they owe us. We may even create a dynamic where we expect people to come out but don’t make a safe environment for that “outing.” Respect the struggles, benefits and liabilities of what it means for an individual person to disclose their sexual orientation, and let them make the decision on their own — whether or not they come out to us.

What will coming out be like? It all depends on a number of factors, some of which have to do with tolerance of LGB people experienced by family, media, religion and culture. We all have a part in creating an environment that is safe and comfortable for people to express who they are without fear of prejudice, being thrown out of their homes, loss of relationships or other consequences.

Who Needs a Closet Anyway?

Kids who grow up gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex or anything other than “straight” usually have very few resources and support systems to help them sort through not only their feelings but the homophobic world in which they live. The anti-LGBT prejudices they experience might exist at school, at church or right in their home, leaving few safe spaces to actually open the door and come out. It’s up to all of us to change this so that everyone can be out and about as the people they truly are.

Check out next week as we explore sexy party tips!