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Doin' It Well
"Give it to me good ... ": Talking dirty during sex
4:00 am May 15 - by Kim Rice & Ross Wantland – Buzz Writers
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Many people state that they like it when their partners are vocal during sex, but sometimes talking explicitly with our partners is easier said than, well, said. Talking dirty can be an erotic aspect of foreplay that can intensify the whole sexual experience, including orgasm. But we might also feel pressure to “talk dirty” like we see in the movies. We thought it was about time we started talking about talking dirty.
Cat Got Your Tongue?
Some couples like to use talking to flirt or tease each other as in “Do you want me to touch you here?” Lowering your voice and asking “Do you like that?” can be very sexy. Also, some people like to hear compliments or reassurances about how attractive their partner finds them, how good they make them feel, etc. All of this can enhance communication, and therefore, sex!
Start out slowly. You could make a list of things you either want to say to express yourself during sex, or things you’d really like to hear. Simply telling your partner that what they are doing feels good through words, moans, sighs, or other noises can be the first step in developing a more vocal sex life.
Nasty As You Wanna Be
Some individuals enjoy more graphic language during sex play. Some people like to hear what their partners are doing — or are about to do — in detail, with their partner describing the act out loud. For example, it can be a turn on to hear a verbal narrative as a partner performs oral sex — which can be a fun challenge as your mouth does double duty!
As with any sex act, what people like varies considerably from person to person and from each sexual experience to the next. Some people like hearing language like “cock” or being called names like “whore.” Although we often think of men being more direct and using more derogatory names when talking dirty, some women find it thrilling to tell their partners exactly what to do, or calling them names, too. Whatever you like, check in beforehand to ensure it’s a turn on for both of you.
Delightfully Dirty or Downright Demeaning?
Sometimes hearing something that one person thinks is dirty and exciting can actually leave us feeling slimed and turned-off. There may be some reasons why calling someone bad names might be a turn on for either partner. Maybe being a little bit “dirty” or “bad” is exciting. Maybe we’ve been told (by the media, for instance) that violent or degrading sex is sexy — that calling someone a whore is supposed to add excitement.
Our partners may request we say things that we are not comfortable with. Communicate openly with your partner and find out what turns them on about their request. You shouldn’t need to say anything that will be a turn off to you just to please your partner. And just because your partner gets turned on by it doesn’t mean we have to hear it. Great sex is about mutuality, not one-sided pleasure.
Talk Dirty Beforehand
Discuss ahead of time what things might be off limits, what you’d like to say, and what you’d like to hear. Nothing can kill the mood faster than someone asking you to talk dirty to them, saying something really graphic, and totally appalling them (and embarrassing yourself!). Ask your partner for examples of what they want to hear, and follow their lead with language. You can also negotiate a signal when one person crosses the line or goes too far, which can be easy to do when caught up in the moment.
Talk Louder Or Keep It Down?
Sometimes one partner really wants to hear their partner moan or make noises. This can lead people to “perform” as a way to turn their partners on, or reassure them that they are a good lover. This can take away the pleasure if a partner doesn’t feel like they are loud or expressive enough, even though being quiet doesn’t necessarily indicate one’s arousal or enjoyment. Other people may be overly boisterous, which isn’t necessarily a turn-on for everyone either. Everyone is different when it comes to expressing themselves sexually — verbally or otherwise.
Break the Routine
Sometimes, sex lives can seem routine. If couples are consistently making love and whispering romantic words to each other or professing how much they care about each other, one or both partners may crave sex to look and feel differently. On the other hand, if your sex life sounds mostly like a porn video, you might be craving a more intimate, romantic approach. Talking with each other about your fantasies, exploring various sexual behaviors, scenes, and what you say verbally can open up new avenues for good, hot sex.
Kim Rice and Ross Wantland are community members committed to sexuality education and sexual violence prevention. Check out past articles on their blog at www.doinitwell.blog.com
Jeff Brandt (Jeff Brandt) said on May. 16, 2008 at 11:16 pm:
What about painting your face and dressing up as a clown, then whispering dirty circus-related puns about juggling balls and inflating pink balloons? Is that acceptable bedroom etiquette?